I’m facing doing something I really, truly don’t want to do. I’ve had a few days to contemplate it, to go over it in my mind, to dwell on it, to play it out. And there are no permutations of this that don’t end up badly. Sometimes I fear things that have to do with my body, like a procedure that might hurt. But that kind of fear is easier. You just get up, go through it, and come out the other side. The kind of fear that involves situations with other people is worse. Steve says that things always go better than I expect, but even if this goes better than I expect, I can’t see how it might go well.
For three full days now, I’ve been going everywhere with a heavy lump of something that feels a lot like doom in my gut. Tomorrow, I’ll face the dragon. At this point, though, I don’t know if the dragon is the situation or my fear about the situation.
Here are my fears: I’ll be sick to my stomach. I’ll get splotches. I’ll get so distressed that I completely lose all my words. I won’t be able to think clearly. I’ll say something wrong. I’ll get angry. I’ll lose my breath and start to croak. My voice will shake.
I’m pretty sure all of these things will happen. My hands are shaking now, just thinking about it. I suppose the easiest thing to do would be to just avoid the whole situation. Somehow, though, I just know that’s not the right thing to do, so I’ll get up and go to meet it.
Those of you who pray, please pray for me tomorrow. Those who don’t, I’m open to any and all words of wisdom.
Back to reading soon, I hope, once I can think about normal things again.